I have been blogging for almost a year and I have learned so much from everyone here. This has been a great outlet for me and I am so happy to have a place where people understand and are in similar situations as myself. I have learned a lot, and continue to learn every day. Infidelity sucks this I know, but I also know that it CAN and WILL get easier.
I guess my situation is different then some because I am in love with a serial cheater, but regardless of the difference or amount of affairs, it still sucks and it still hurts. This past week I sat back and re-read the first few posts of my blog. I must say, I have come a long way from this time last year. I couldn’t believe how I was so angry all the time, and I can honestly say that I am no longer angry. Yes, of course it still hurts, but I wasted the past year of my life being angry. I had every right to be angry after all John put me through, but I finally realized that my anger in no way helped my situation or made me feel better, so I had to let it go.
So many things in my life have changed the past few months, and most have been changes for the better. Selling our business was very scary but it was also a huge sigh of relief. I am only one person and juggling a 24/7 business and a family is virtually impossible. I handled the situation with Nicki finding my blog in ways that if you asked me last year or even 6 months ago, I would never have handled it that way. At 35 it is sad to say that I have grown up, but I believe I have. I have learned that John is broken and there is nothing I can do to fix him. I have accepted that his cheating is about him, and it is not about me. I have learned to let go of resentment, anger and rage and can honestly say I have been a happier person! I have learned how to forgive many, not only John.
My biggest lesson was from Super Ty the most amazing little boy who lost his battle with brain cancer a few weeks ago. He changed my life and I truly believe he had a lot to do with the woman I am now. Life is too short to be angry all the time. You would be surprised how much better you feel when you eventually make the decision to try to just let go of the anger and move forward. I am not saying to forget, or not process your feelings, but the anger? Just try to just let the anger go! I promise you, it will be well worth it!
“It’s time for you to stop being so afraid. It’s time for you to let go of the past. What happened, happened. It doesn’t matter how many times you go over it in your head and think about what you should have done. It’s too late. It’s not going to change anything. You can’t change the past, but you can better shape your future.”
I love your blog, I must say though I think you’re strong to go through what you do, it hurts so much, and you still work on things. That’s what marriage is abou though isn’t it, working through the hard times. Good luck x
Hi Maggie,
Thank you so much! I continue working through the hard times every day. It is exhausting, but in the end I think it will be well worth it!
Aw… I feel so happy for you even though I don’t really know you…. AWWWWWWWW, I feel so emotional…
LOL! I thought you would find this amusing, the cable guy and the insurance adjuster who came here said my house was the first house with a tree they have seen and they go in A LOT of houses!
lol!
Haha! Wow, that’s pretty impressive. My mom actually put up her little mini tree last week. I used to sleep under the tree when I was little. So I liked having it up early. Hehe.
WELL SAID!!!!
Gosh, I can’t believe it has almost been a year!
Wendy,
Can you believe it? And haven’t I grown up so much? You have been like my mother here, although I think I am older then you! haha! I just feel such a great relief. I was reading some blogs today which inspired this post. I know its hard, but nothing will ever change what happened. Lets just let go for ourselves, not anyone else. Even that whole situation that happened a few weeks ago? I am not angry anymore! I just hope I stay this way!
You have grown tremendously!!! And it’s nice to see.
We are the same age, btw.
Well, I am 34….but you just turned 35, right?
Yes in April, don’t remind me! The minute I turned 35 I was closer to 40 but the last day I was 34 I was closer to 30!
lol!
I honestly don’t know how you do it. I will NEVER go through this again. My husband repeats this knowing now how hurtful it is and what it’s done to me, then he doesn’t deserve me it my love. I will walk. There are no second chances. I can comfort myself by telling myself that he was selfish and didn’t realize how badly his cheating would hurt me. But, to do it again with FULL KNOWLEDGE? No way. That, to me, speaks to a degree of selfishness and disregard that I have no room for in my marriage. I’m not sure how many times John has cheated, or seen you crumble to the floor and pick yourself up and then forgive him. I just can’t imagine and I don’t know how you do it, or why to be very honest. What keeps you there with a man willing to hurt you over and over again?
I agree about letting go of the anger. It can consume you. I’d love to let mine go. In fact, a few weeks ago, I really felt that I had. I hadn’t been harassed by the ow in a long time. She appeared to have disappeared. Money transfer was smooth. No bumps. No emails. No lawyers having to respond to her poison. Then she was back in full force, trying to hurt us again. I go back to square one (almost) each time. The feelings of “forgiveness” or “understanding” go out the window, ruining the ground I’ve made, pulling me back in time to a raw place I keep thinking I’d left behind me. How to let go of the anger when someone is re-traumatizing you? How to let it go when someone is acting in a way that knowingly hurts you? In an interesting way, the reoccurrence of the ow for me is akin to you re injury when John cheats again. Back to square one and all that ground you made up lost. That’s when my anger comes back. It can never rest long before she is back at it again so I feel I never lose it.
So many people ask me how I can stay with John, and to be honest, there are sometimes I ask myself that too. I love my family and everything about it. My father had an affair with my moters best friend when I was 5 and they divorced. I will never forget that feeling of a broken family and I will continue to try my best so my children do not have to go through what my brother and I went through. I do love John, but there is a part of me that holds this resentment towards him.
John has cheated on me many times, but has never had an emotional affair. Everyone looks at me and says “She will never leave him”. Perhaps they are right, but I don’t think John believes that to be true anymore. To be honest with you, my “I’m done” point would be a child. I have blogged about that many times, I would NEVER be able to accept another child. I know me, and I know it never would happen. Your situation is unique because your husband does not see his other child. You are lucky, that doesn’t happen quite often.
As far as the anger, it did me no good. Being angry all the time did not erase the affairs. Walking around feeling like I could kill someone did not make me feel better. I became a miserable person and everyone around me suffered. My kids would ask me something and I would “WHAT” them very loud. Why? Because I was angry that John cheated, but me being angry never changed the fact that John cheated.
Honestly, I hope I don’t have to go through this again, but. . .John is a serial cheater. For now I stay, who knows what the future will hold.
I, too, am with a serial cheater. My situation differs from Ariella’s in that, my man has not been all physical with each of his. It usually lasts around a month and involves texting, calling, and maybe a meetup. There has been countless ones in the last eight years. The last six months have brought remarkable change. Why did I stay? Its about loving someone unconditionally. It hasn’t been all bad. There have been good times and we have a history together. Its not ideal but it is what it is. I do agree with Ariella, I would leave if there was a child. For me, I know that if/when my man cheats, it is always temporary; whereas, a child would be permanent.
Ariella,
How wonderful that you see positive change in yourself. I too feel like I’m growing up(lol) and I’m 10yrs and bit older than you. There are days when I feel like I have experienced more life than I want to, shed more tears than I ever thought I had, but I know it has shaped me into the person I am today and I like myself. It takes a very mature heart to love unconditionally. I think I remember you once writting ‘every relationship has it’s issues, ours is infidelity’, or something very close. That comment helped me take a fresh look on what it means to love someone just as they are. There are issues that Jase and I have that you might say, why would you put up with that? Well of course it’s because I love him, just as he is. None of this is easy, and from the outside looking in it looks like John and Jase are the lucky ones, but you and I are lucky too. All of these trials and painful experiences purify and open our hearts to love compassionately. Our world needs more people who can love compassionately. This is our Karma, and as hard as it is, I know someday I will see all the wisdom in it and wouldn’t change a thing.
Namaste
Zita,
I remember that post too. I think for some they have an easier time dealing with it, but others have a more difficult time. I don’t know, cheating sucks and people deal with it in different ways.
I agree that all of this has made me a better person. I try to think of it like this, yes it sucks that John cheats on me, but my life is not bad and could be so much worse. I could have a child dying of cancer. I am actually quite lucky. I am in no way trying to down-play infidelity, but I have realized that there are probably a million women who would trade places with me in a heartbeat! Probably any mother that is losing a child or has lost one. I don’t know, its just how I feel.
When I get tired, which may happen. I see the difference in me already to be honest. Things that would make me upset before don’t make me upset anymore. I am very aware of this and quite frankly, it makes me nervous at times. Maybe my time of being sick and tired is approaching. Maybe not. I just have to wait and see.
Don’t we wish it would just be “not at all” though? Perhaps one day. . .
I used to feel just like this. And I am a young woman. I know I can move on and find someone else and, hell, probably be remarried in a couple years and still not be 30! I get it. I do. I am a somewhat rational person but I have never been with a cheater not have I dealt with this crap in any other relationship, one of which was fairly long as well. I think for me what keeps me around is love as cheesey as that is. And time. I
Think to myself why start over after 6 years? Then I remind myself that my aunt just got divorced after my uncle cheated on her again after 30 years of marriage! How did she do it ?!?! Had to be hell for her after 6 kids and a grandchild and I know there are many women (and men) who can sympathize after a long marriage is ended. I hate starting over and I get very attached. I don’t like being alone and I have started seeing a therapist because I know this about myself. I would rather be miserable with someone than alone. Craziness I know!!!! But I am being honest! Maybe if I truly deep down believed that there was someone better out there for me, I might walk away from this situation. But that’s hard to say because I love my husband so much. We have been through a lot and I have never cared more about anyone. At the same time, I am worried that after two affairs, I have inadvertently told him that its okay to cheat because I kicked him out. We actually are still not living together!! It’s been two and a half months and I am being as strong as I can to not let himself his shit back in as we go through counseling. I just cant going through this again but I will never say never anymore!
Sarah,
I could NOT imagine starting over, the thought actually makes me sick to my stomach. It is hard to just pick up the life you are used to, end it and start a new life! Who really wants to do that? I am with you on this one.
I read your whole story, even though I only started reading the blogs about 6 months ago. My life was already in pieces, that I was trying to hold together. Then it imploded when I discovered the second affair. You of all people understand why I fight for my marriage. I’ve been gone on here a lot due to work, stress, children’s sports schedules, husband changing job locations. I try to keep up on reading, just little time to post.
I understand that you can still love someone who has hurt you so much, that you have to find a way to hope for the future and not be trapped in the pain of the past. You are so strong in that way.
Im strong, I think you are SO strong. I could never deal with what you do, the absence of your husband and the child with such grace! You truly are an inspiration to so many! I was hoping everything was ok with you, haven’t seen you post lately!
I am ok. Still struggling but still holding onto hope though
“It’s time for you to stop being so afraid. It’s time for you to let go of the past. What happened, happened. It doesn’t matter how many times you go over it in your head and think about what you should have done. It’s too late. It’s not going to change anything. You can’t change the past, but you can better shape your future.”
I’m so right there with you on this. I’m not going to let anger rob me of all the good that can be in my future. Hurts still come, triggers are around but………….I’ve made the choice to keep moving forward and it feels good not to be consumed with anger. Not to say I won’t get angry sometimes but I’m not going to sit in it. Obstacles are opportunities!!!
Beautifully stated! Yes, we will still get angry and times, but we can not let the anger consume us!
I’m not sure how I found your blog… I like how you ended this post. I had a family member do something very horrendous to me… and it took years for me to reach the point where I could forgive her. Other family members have asked how I could forgive someone who did something like this…
What many fail to realize is that when we forgive someone, we are actually doing ourselves a favor. I have forgiven the person for what they did, and it allowed me to move forward. However, I will never forget… ;o)
I look forward to reading the rest of your writings…
~shoes~
Hi Redshoes,
You said it perfectly! By forgiving someone we are actually doing a favor to ourselves! That is so true! I have let anger consume me and it was not healthy! Although I have forgiven, many times, I will NEVER forget. Although I will admit, there are times I wish I could forget. . .
Hi, I have been lurking for a while and feel like I have found a home. I too am in love with a serial cheater and we have been together for 10 years. I have known him for 20 years though as a close friend. I want to say that he truely loves me…i feel it (but logic tells me how can you love someone and hurt them so much…). We did not live in the same country for 1.5 years (although we were still together working through our issues) and during this time he got someone else pregnant. He says he wants to work it out but he also wants to be in the life of the child. As you can imagine this has been a lot for me and I have asked him to leave the house, which he has. It has been 6 months since he left but we see each other quite often as we share children together. During this time he has come completely clean with me and we have done a lot of talking. I also plan on going to counselling. Cant afford it ongoing but I have 6 free sessions through my job. I am debatign if I should go alone or if I should go with him for some couples councelling. I love him so much but right now I am soo confused, angry, totally mixed up and am really embarrased. Of course everyone that is in my circle says walk away and never turn back. How do you handle the critisism of others for staying with someone like this? At this point, as crasy as the situation is, I think it was a HUGE wake up call for him and myself and I have seen changes in him for the good. Besides the obvious what i am struggling with is the embarrasment of it all. How do you face the people who know what you have been through and think that you are crasy if you even are considering to stay with this person?
Hi and welcome! I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! I know how difficult it is, although I have thankfully have never dealt with a child as a result of one of John’s affairs. Does this woman live close to you or in another country? That is going to be so hard because I don’t know if you will ever be able to trust him around that woman. However, only you will know that.
People are going to judge you and think that you are crazy for staying with him! But the truth is, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and you know that he loves you! It is the same way with John and I. He cheats, but there is no one who will ever be able to convince me that he doesn’t love me! Really, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t really care what people think anymore. This is my life and I have to live it, no one else.
I think maybe you should do a few sessions yourself, and then some with him. I know you said you only have 6, but maybe split them up? Will he be willing to go to therapy? John would NEVER go. Well, maybe I can’t say never, but not anytime soon.
Thank you for your response and understanding…although you think I am nuts
) She lives 45 min away from me, so she lives close by. I am in an okay place right now. I dont cry as much as when I found out. I am in a wierd state of peace in that he does not live with me so I dont have to worry about what he does, yet I am not willing to let him go. We both talk about working on us and getting back together. I never have seen myself be with anyone else. He says that he is willing to go to therapy, I guess I will find out when the time comes but he said he would come. I cant explain it but we have been friends for so long, I just cant stay mad at him, as much as it hurts. I guess in the end I just need to figure things out….so many factors to consider. The kids love their dad and I dont have much support. I know I can probably do it on my own but I need his help.
I do not think you are nuts! Please, have you read my blog, lol? OMG I could not imagine John and I not living together, that would do the opposite to me! I would be in panic mode. I don’t know how you do it!
Thanks. I am happy that I found a place with people who are going through the same thing I am.