We Talked. . .

May25

A few months back when I was checking her Twitter, she had posted a video of the song Climax by Usher and made a comment on how the song was perfect. Of course I knew she was talking about John, even though the song in no way relates to her and John. The song is about 2 people in a relationship that are in love but its time to part ways. She NEVER had a relationship with my fiancé. She just sucked his dick and fucked him. Anyway, I saw this twitter post a few weeks prior to our “100%”. You can imagine that every time I heard this song after seeing that post, I rush to change the station because just hearing it makes my blood boil.

A few weeks ago John called me from the car and the he was singing the Climax song which happened to be on the radio in his car. John sings practically every song he hears on the radio, although John can’t sing to save his life. Now not only did I have to hear this song, I had to hear him sing it which automatically put me in a rancid mood. I just calmly said, do you really think you should be singing that song to me? He asked me why? Don’t you like this song? I just said no and changed the subject. I let it go after calling my best friend in hysterics because he sang the song. A song that he has absolutely no clue upsets me.

Yesterday, we went to look at a few houses, and as we were driving the song came on again. Now alone, I am able to handle it. However, just hearing it in his presence drives me wild. I immediately changed the station and he said nothing because a song that was played on the other station I assumed he liked more. Later that day we were driving and the song came on and I immediately changed the station again. This time I gave him the evil eye while smashing station #2 with my pointer finger. By now he was suspicious and asked me what my problem is with that song and do I think about an ex when I hear it? Was he fucking kidding? Truthfully, I don’t even think about my ex’s. In my eyes they are not in my life anymore for a reason. I’m telling you, if I wasn’t driving I could have punched him in the face. He just looked at me with this dumb confused look on his face so I told him. . . And just went on and on and on about it. . . I told him how a fellow blogger posted how she would like to hit her husbands mistress with the “karma bus” and how I say fuck karma I just want to hit her with a bus, among other things that I will refrain from saying on the web!

He just looked at me like he was nervous and took my hand and said” babe, you don’t need to get upset over things like that. Its not important.”. I’m so happy he cleared that up for me! Does he truly believe that I like getting upset over things like this? I looked at him and said, “you brought this dumb ugly bitch into my life, you do remember that don’t you?”. He just stared at me with this sad look on his face and said I know and I’m sorry.

I read all these blogs on here written by women who are in similar situations as me. All of these women discuss the affair with their husbands on a regular basis. Some go to marriage counseling and have detailed questions pertaining to the affair that they ask their partners. John and I do not do this. We do not speak of the affair and if I think of something I rarely ask John. For us this seems to work. It works for me because I have come to the conclusion that nothing John says will make me feel better. Nothing he can say will change what he did. He does not have magic powers and is unable to erase the thoughts in my head. This works for John because he does not have to be reminded by me on a daily basis as to what he did. He does not have to hear the hurt in my voice and feel bad. However, I do know he sees the hurt in my eyes at times and it kills him. But truthfully, I make it easy for him. Yesterday was a reminder to John as to what he did. He was able to see that after all these months it still bothers me. And although we will continue progressing the way we have been, sometimes people need to be reminded about what they did wrong. I don’t ever want John to think that I am just so strong that I am over it because that is simply not the case. I think he realized yesterday that although we have come so far, I still have a lot of resentment and anger towards him, and although we are working through it, I am in no way “over it”. I’m not sure I will ever be over it.

“When you are in love and you get hurt, its like a cut. . .it will heal, but there will always be a scar. . .”

Saying I Do. . .

May20

John and I have almost hit our 3 month mark of 100% and we have been doing incredibly well.  He has been so attentive, caring, loving, affectionate, honest and loyal.  I have this strong belief that his cheating ways are over and that he is a changed man, however, there is the little voice in the back of my head reminding me of how many times I have been through this and not to trick myself into believing it will never happen again.

I find myself between a rock and a hard place.  I LOVE John. I WANT to be with John, but sometimes I just look at him and ask myself “what the hell are you doing”?   There are times when I just hate him.  I hate him for making me feel as though I hate him.  I hate him for being a serial cheater; I hate him for breaking my heart over and over again.  But most of all I hate him for not being able to trust him.  I do not feel like this often, but there are times that I do feel this way.  I instantly get angry, and a few minutes later I am over it.  I wonder at times if I have gone crazy.  Have I completely lost my mind?  Because there are times that I truly feel like that.  I can hate him in one minute and the next minute I love him and can’t imagine life without him.

Anyway, back to all the positive progress we have had.  John has just been incredible.  I mean, he always was an incredible person; he just wasn’t a good fiancé.  But lately, he is everything and anything I could ask for.  This is the man that I knew he could be.  I understand that it has only been 3 months.  3 months is by far long enough to prove that he has changed, isn’t it?  I feel as though our relationship is getting stronger by the day and that he feels so “at ease” with me now.  I have changed a lot as well.  I completely stopped being his mother and started being his fiancé.  We have been talking about marriage a lot lately.  I mean, we are engaged, and we have been, but truthfully, John wasn’t one who ever talked about marriage.  I talked and he nodded his head and listened so this is very different for me.  Here is the man that I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with making all these incredible changes with his life.  He puts forth a tremendous mount of effort each day in an attempt to make sure I am happy, and makes it look effortless.  I am a handful, so I do know it requires effort and patience.  He wants to marry me, spend the rest of his life with me!  For those of you who do not know, John has been very focused on his relationship with God the past few months.  I believe him taking his faith seriously, has truly assisted him in changing his life.  I am not the most religious person in the world, but to John, his faith is everything.

This is everything I always wanted right?  So what is my problem?   Let’s not get it twisted, I talk about us getting married as much as he does, but there is that annoying little voice in the back of my head. . . .And I can’t get it to stop.  Do I still want to get married for the right reasons?  Or is it that I believe that by him marrying me, he won’t cheat because if he does, he will be cheating on god?  Or so I can update my Facebook status to married and they will all know that I still have him? That is sick!  But it is how I think at times.  I used to want to marry him because I loved him and wanted to spend forever with him, but now I believe some of my reasoning’s are different.   I am in no way stating that I do not love him or that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him because I do, but why do I now feel the sudden urge to get married?  And why does John feel the sudden urge to get married?  I really don’t know, and not knowing why is killing me!

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.”

Letter to my Husband's Affair Partner

May20

Reblogged from If Happy Ever After Did Exist...:

Click to visit the original post
  • Click to visit the original post

There is so much I’d like to say to her, but, I will not ever contact her again, so I feel it may be therapeutic to write it here.

Dear Skelewhore:

In 4 days it will be ten months since my world was shattered into a million pieces.  Friday, July 8, 2011.  Though, let’s be realistic, I suspected Monday, June 20th, the day AFTER father’s day. 

Read more… 1,562 more words

I just found this blog and I thought this was a great idea. . .

Couples Therapy. . .

May17

I am not one who watches a lot of television, actually, I rarely watch TV at all.  However, I found myself home Monday and Tuesday with sick kids, and decided to sit down and watch the show “VH1 Couples Therapy” on demand.  I had never watched it before but had seen the previews.  For those of you who have never heard of the show, it is about celebrity couples that enter a home for several weeks, and take part in group and individual therapy sessions, in an attempt to figure out their relationships.  For them, it is basically their “make it or break it” time.  Every couple battled different issues that affected their relationships.  I thought in the least, it would be entertaining.  I sat down and watched every episode back to back and could not believe what I was watching.

Watching DMX and Tashera, was very scary and also very real for me.  Tashera has been married to DMX for I believe 25 years, and he has never been faithful to her.  They have children together, and she has loved him and attempted to do everything possible to make him happy, but. . . it just didn’t seem to work.  The similarities between Tashera and me, John and DMX were scary.  There was an episode where DMX completely breaks down in group and individual therapy over his childhood, abandonment, abuse, and lack of love and compassion from his mother.  Here was a grown man, a notorious gangster rapper, losing it on television, sobbing like a lost little boy as to why his mother never loved him.  The therapist believed that DMX shows absolutely no respect for his wife because of the way he views his mother. DMX and John have very negative views of their mothers, due to what they went through, witnessed, and the way they were treated by them as children.  I have said it over and over again, that the reason I believe John has a difficult time respecting women, was due to the lack of respect for his own mother.  The topic of the therapy session that DMX broke down in was childhood, and how if you don’t get past what happened to you as a child, you can never form healthy and productive relationships in the future.  Yes, it is reality television, but I can tell you, I have never witnessed such real and raw emotion in my life.

Tashera and DMX have been separated and have not been intimate for 8 years.  There was a scene when DMX was speaking to another member of the house about how while they were separated, Tashera was dating a man and how it hurt him more than anything.  To many that would be viewed as completely ridiculous considering he has cheated on this woman numerous times, and has conceived children with other women while they were married.  However, I remember thinking to myself; god, I know DMX will never get over that.  It is such a double standard I know.  John has cheated on me numerous times, but if I ever dated another man, even while we were separated, he would NEVER be able to get over it.  During the last episode, DMX said that he loves his wife with all his heart and he will never love another woman like he loves her.  The counseling they had received has resulted into them making an amicable decision to divorce, however, I believe he loves her more then he will ever be capable of loving any other woman.  Many would probably not believe that DMX loves his wife, I mean god, look at all he has put her through.  But me, I believe he does, just as I know John loves me.

Although this was only a television show, I feel as though I took more away from this then I have with anything else I have researched or read on infidelity.  I believe just watching what these couples went through, and how the therapist reacted truly did change the way I think, and view my own relationship.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”

Moving Beyond The Pain. . .

May1
I found this and thought I would share. . .

9 Keys to Moving Beyond the Pain of an Extramarital Affair by Anne Bercht
I remember everything about my husband’s extramarital affair. I will never forget it, and neither will anyone else who’s been through it. It is not possible to forget something as significant as the betrayal of the one you love the most in the world. However, when I remember, I no longer have pain associated with the memory. This is a sign of true healing. How did I get there?

1. I got here by facing the issue head on, not attempting to shove it under the rug and pretend it isn’t really bothering me. I didn’t try to bury it, “forgive and forget,” “just suck it up and get over it.” These things don’t work when it comes to healing from extramarital affairs. Trying to just forget about it and move on would be like breaking your leg, and not bothering to go to the hospital to have it set and a cast put on. If you did not take the proper steps to heal a broken leg, your leg would never heal properly, you would always have pain, and you’d likely never be able to walk again. Emotional pain is no different. It must be treated.

2. I healed by learning about the affair and extramarital affairs in general, by coming to understand the truth. “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” I healed by getting answers to my questions, by learning to understand that I did not cause my husband to have an affair. It was the weaknesses in his character that allowed him to get to this place. I am not at fault for something, when I had no opportunity to participate in the decision of whether or not it was going to happen. Sure we took a look at our marriage, and I found things I could’ve done better as a wife (and there is not a wife out there with a faithful husband who couldn’t also find things she could do better too). My imperfections as a human being and as a wife did not force my husband to have an affair. There are healthy ways to deal with problems in a marriage. Having an extramarital affair is not the answer. My husband tells me today, that even if I’d been a perfect wife, he still would’ve had an extramarital affair, because he says, the affair had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with his weaknesses, what he didn’t know and the choices he made. (Note! He did not say that right after his affair. It was a process and took time for him to see this.)

Note! Healing from the pain and reconciling a marriage are two different things!

In order for our marriage to be healed, my husband had to be willing to answer my questions and be completely open and honest with me. If he’d been unwilling and insisted that we never discuss his extramarital affair, we would’ve missed out on the amazing marriage and passion we have together today. I still would’ve healed myself, but reconciliation would not have been possible.

3. I overcame the pain, by seeing the extramarital affair for what it really was and putting it in context of the grand scheme of things in the world. I was not part of the “unfortunate few” who had something wrong with them. Many, many, (if not most) spouses are betrayed by the ones they love at some time. It’s sad, but true. And many people have other pain in their lives, like losing loved ones, dealing with chronic illnesses, problems with abuse and addictions of loved ones. No person is exempt from pain and suffering in this world. The good news is if we look for solutions, we can overcome our problems and challenges.

It was also helpful to put it in context of our marriage as a whole. Peggy Vaughan had 7 years of pain where her husband had extramarital affairs. Had she divorced him over it, she would’ve missed out on the other 43 years of living with the man she really loves. My husband’s affair was only 2 months long. If I’m fortunate enough to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary one day, “Am I really going to allow 2 months to ruin a lifetime?”

4. I overcame the pain by working on myself, embarking on a journey of personal growth, finding purpose, meaning and fulfillment for my life that takes me beyond the problem, by living my life for something greater than myself. I allowed my crisis to make me a better person and to spur me on to take more risks, forget about what other people think, and start reaching my full potential as a person.

5. I overcame my pain by helping others. This gives meaning to my pain. With the same comfort I have received I now can comfort others. Knowing first hand how incredibly painful extramarital affairs are, I like being able to help others. I especially love it when we see amazing successes. You can help others by starting a Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) support group in your area, or volunteering to help with one that already exists.

6. I overcame the pain by giving myself time, and giving myself permission to feel all of the necessary emotions, especially the sadness, anger and grieving of my loss. Some people believe negative emotions are bad. When expressed in their proper context, they are not. Allowing yourself to “feel” these emotions helps you to heal. When necessary, sadness and anger are good for you, because they help you to process pain. We all wish there was a short cut, but there’s not. Everything of real value in life requires you to pay a price, not always in dollars and cents, but sometimes a part of your life.

7. I overcame my pain by sharing my story. It is important to avoid suffering in isolation. You cannot and should not carry this burden alone. Every time I shared my story my pain diminished, until I just didn’t feel the pain anymore.

8. I overcame my pain through persistence and determination, a will that said, “I will not have anything less than healing from this pain.” I will not allow my negative past to define my future. I did not become a lesser individual because this has happened to me. I read books, I got counseling and I attended healing seminars with a tenacity that said, “I will heal.”

9. Perhaps most importantly I moved beyond the pain, because I believed it was possible.

“The only thing that stands between a person and what they want from life is the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.” – Richard M. DeVos

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/moving_beyond_pain_extramarital_affair.htm

© Copyright 2004 Anne Bercht. All rights reserved.

You Don’t Need To Like Me. . .

Apr27

FYI I don’t need the OW to like me. . . I give my opinion on what I believe to be true, and I truly do not care if the OW is offended by me. 

As far as me, I am not perfect, never said I was.  However, I have morals.  I have said it a thousand times and I will say it again, I would NEVER involve myself with someone who is involved!!  I DO NOT understand why any woman would sleep or become involved with a married man!  And yes, I am far from stupid.  I am well aware that it takes two to tango!  The OW has deemed it necessary to bring that to my attention on several occasions.  I have had my dealings with John when it pertained to his cheating.  I have also been told that the reason John cheats on me is because I am such a judgmental bitch.  That has been an opinion of every OW who blogs here.  However, if I am such a judgmental bitch, then why is John still with me?  Actually, why did he beg to be with me?  Actually, I am a great woman, very strong willed.  Some would call me arrogant, and I am fine with that.  I am a go getter, and I don’t “need” John, I want him.  That is the difference. 

So OW go ahead and say whatever you will about me, laugh and cheer that my man has cheated on me numerous times!  I’m sure that is what all of his OW do!  Actually, there are several of them who are still sitting at home crying about why he is not with them.  I am fine with that.  The difference between me and you is I am not a home wrecker!  I can look at myself in the mirror every day without regrets and am able to sleep very well at night.  I do not destroy other people lives and their families. 

“It is better to be hated for what you are then to be loved for what you are not.”

This entry was posted on April 27, 2012. 2 Comments

Shut Up!!! You Got Exactly What You Deserve. . . (just a little rant)

Apr26

I was just reading another blog of an OW crying over someone else’s husband!  I just don’t get it.  What kind of woman would even involve herself with another woman’s husband or boyfriend? Really, I just don’t get it.  But sadly so many women do and it truly makes me sick!  I have never involved myself with someone who was involved.  And then they have the audacity to cry about it??? Shut the fuck up seriously!  If you were foolish enough to fuck someone else’s husband you got what you deserve.  What the hell is wrong with women nowadays?  I mean seriously, am I the only one that thinks this is insane???  I am so tired of hearing these ”women” (that’s me being nice) cry like babies.  You got exactly what you deserve. . .  Makes me sick. . . Just a little rant, sorry. . .

http://beinghertheotherwoman.wordpress.com/

“FYI He will never leave his wife. . . “

Still So In Love. . .

Apr26

I feel as though I am more in love with John the past week or so, then I have ever been.  Crazy, I know.  I do remember everything this man has done to me over the past 6 years.  Trust me, I think about it every day.  I really wish that I could say that there has been a day that has passed that I did not think about it, but that would be a lie.  I still have a lot of anger and resentment when it comes to what he did, but the difference is, I am not directing it towards him anymore.  That was my problem; I would constantly continue to bring his cheating up.  I don’t do it anymore.  No matter what he says, it will never make it better.  It will never make me forget.  That is the problem, I can’t forget.  I have made a conscious decision with myself not to discuss his mistress’s anymore.  Of course, I find myself everyday wanting to ask him a question about one of the women he cheated on me with.  However, instead of asking, I wait and I think about it for an hour.  If it is still killing me, I ask it.  But most of the time, I am glad that I didn’t say anything.  The truth is, one question leads to several questions and I will never get the answer I want.  He can’t look at me and tell me I never cheated on you!  So truly, why do I put myself through it?    I don’t know if it makes sense or how to explain it, it’s just how I feel.

Moving Forward, John has been incredible the past few weeks.  It has been 2 months of us trying “100%” and I can honestly say that there hasn’t been one fear that he has done anything wrong.  I’m not going to say I trust him completely, because I don’t, but I really believe that he has changed.  I really believe that this is what he wants, and that he finally realized that all the other women are not worth it.  Sometimes something happens to someone that makes them wake up and realize.  I think that “something” happened to John.  God, we have been through so much in the past 6 years and we are still together.  Most people don’t go through what we have gone through in a lifetime, nevertheless 6 years.

I think a lot of us doing well have to do with me re-prioritizing my life.  I truly have been taking care of me.  I have been going to the gym for the past 2 ½ weeks and I feel incredible.  I needed to do this for me.  I had spent so much time focusing on everything that John was doing, in the midst of that, I forgot about focusing on me. The best thing about working out is I have time to think.  I truly feel as though it’s the only “alone” time I have.  Just me, my thoughts and my music.  I also think it helps with my negative energy too.  When I leave this gym I feel as though I had a venting session.  I have worked out on and off since I had my youngest, but I never did it for me.  I would stop going to the gym when John and I were doing fine, you know when you are “comfortable” in your relationship, you don’t tend to care as much.  But as soon as I thought he was cheating, or found out he cheated, I would start back up in the gym again and work out like crazy.  I have to say that this is the first time in 4 years that I have not had an ulterior motive.  I went to go work out because it was what I wanted to do, not because I felt threatened in my relationship with John.

John and I have also been discussing getting married again recently.  We don’t have an exact date or plan, but we have been talking about it.  I am not looking to have a large wedding.  We have talked about having an intimate ceremony on the beach probably somewhere in the Caribbean.  However, I really have to feel 100% about us in order to take that big step.  However, I do want to marry him, but I want to make sure that he is going to be 100% faithful.  The problem is, how do you really ever know that?  I guess you don’t.  For now all I can do is continue to take things one day at a time.

“He who has never experienced hurt, cannot experience true love. . .”

If they were so much better, they would have left us for them. . .

Apr14

I have read many articles that have pertained to the other women/mistress and often, the wife will believe that the other woman is better than them.  They believe that the other woman is often more successful, beautiful, better in bed, etc. then they are.  I have never dealt with this.  I have never once thought that John’s OW were better than me.  It is hard enough to deal with just thinking about them in general, I couldn’t imagine if I was constantly worrying thinking that what he had was better than what he has with me.

I recently read this article online.  This is an excerpt from the article.  I will post the link to the full article below.

“Accept That People Are Not Always What They Appear To Be: Almost without fail, the wives in this situation tend to overestimate the attributes and worth of the other woman while they tend to underestimate the same attributes and worth within themselves.  Beautiful, accomplished, brilliant and perceptive women will fear that they pale in comparison to the other woman. They will think that she is smarter, prettier, and perhaps more skilled sexually. This is so very common, but it often isn’t all that accurate. People are always not exactly as they appear. And frankly, your insecurities will often build her up to a level that she does not deserve. The truth is, you just don’t know. You can only speculate. But her youth or her job or her looks really don’t tell you anything about who she truly is. It will help you if you can accept that looks can be deceiving and that, at the end of the day, who she is or what she has shouldn’t matter to you because you are banishing her from your life”.

Of course there will be some that say I am a conceited bitch, but if the other woman was so much better than I was, then why isn’t John with her or any of them?  Because the truth is, they weren’t and most of them are not better than us.

In my situation, I can say that I have never come in contact with an OW that I was threatened by.  (And trust me, I have come in contact with several) Most of you know by now, I do not fear John leaving me.  That has never been a fear and I have met or spoke with most of them, and I truly cannot find anything in any of them that would make me feel as though they have much more to offer than I do.

The “last one” was 28 years old, her finances were not in order, and she was unable to afford a stable place to live and does not have a driver’s license!   I will say it again, when you are a woman without children at that age, there is no excuse for you to be broke!  I will not sit here and call her hideous, but she was just an average looking woman.  There was nothing special about her.  She did not have a great figure, she was very chubby in the belly and lacked an ass, and she drives an old vehicle and did not have a good job.  She was unable to afford her apartment and had to move in with her friend due to not being able to pay her rent.

Why would any man want to be with someone like that?  See, that is it right there.  Our men do not want to “be” with someone like that, they want to “have sex” with someone like that.  I am a busy woman.  I take care of a home, children, cook, clean, do laundry, on top of running a successful business.  I do not have the time to cater to John’s needs every moment of the day.  However, at 2am, she did.  She had the time to well. . . suck his dick whenever he wanted it done.  At 2 am I am very busy sleeping because I have to be up early to take care of kids, a house and run a business.

She would take care of him, sexually, whenever he wanted all he would have to do was call her and she was available.  That was her purpose.  John did not want to marry a woman like that, he just wanted his sexual needs met.  I also do not fear that she was better in bed than I am, because I don’t believe that to be so. John is a very sexual person, and if he did not believe I was good in bed, we would have never made it this far.  It is what it is.  However, I did not have sex with John all the time like we used to.  I became so obsessed with working that I did not meet his needs, nor did I truly care about them at the time.  However, that was still no excuse for him to go out and cheat.  This I do know.

As women who have been cheated on, we have so many other things to worry about.  The last thing we should fear is that the OW/Mistress was better than us, because if they were, don’t you think our husbands/boyfriends would have left us for them?  Makes sense to me!

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. . .”

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/i-cant-get-my-husbands-other-woman-out-of-my-head-things-that-might-help-5805544.html

I Can’t Get My Husband’s Other Woman Out Of My Head: Things That Might Help

By Katie Lersch

Affair Survival: Tips For Dating A Married Man. . .(Article From Huffington Post)

Apr12

I found this article on AOL News.  All I can say is wow, are you serious?  I got a tip for these women, how about dont date a married man!   I love how she starts off with, “You cant help who you fall in love with.  The love of your life just might be a married man.”  Is this women serious?  Yes, you can help who you fall in love with!!!!  If you meet a married man, you should not be able to fall inlove with him because you should not pursue him!!! I just cant believe some women.  IMO sluts, and they deserve to be miserable.  Thoughts?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristen-houghton/affair_b_1408048.html

Perhaps the best advice you can give someone about having a relationship with a married man is telling her not to even start. However, that may not be practical for all women. As my friend Jenna* told me, “You can’t help who you fall in love with. The love of your life just might be a married man.”

Being part of any couple can be challenging and unpredictable, as we all know. But when the man with whom you’re involved is part of another couple, someone else’s husband, then the challenge and unpredictability can make your life a messy, unhappy waiting game that you will rarely win.

The woman who is in love with a married man lives a life that, for the most part, is shrouded in secrecy. Her close circle of friends might know about her affair, but she really cannot let anyone else, such as colleagues or her family, know. She is alone most of the time and spends it waiting: waiting for her married lover to call, to come meet her, to share some precious time together. She is not his wife, she is not mother to his children, she is not his parents’ daughter-in-law. Her chance for happiness hinges on a future that is highly uncertain, to say the least.

Your own survival is crucial, and if you do happen to fall in love with a married man, there are several hard truths you need to know.

1. The needs of the many (namely, his family) will always outweigh your needs. His family will always come first, and that includes his wife. Simply because he talks in a negative way about his marriage doesn’t mean that his obligations to his wife are any less important to him. Whether or not they have children is a moot point; he will always feel as if he has to be a husband to her and take care of the marriage, whether he truly loves her or not. Their life together includes friendships and a social network that is shared and comfortable for him. He won’t risk losing that.

2. His life with you is secret and always will be. No matter how much you may want to walk in the sunshine with him and have him openly acknowledge his love for you, it won’t happen. While he is more than willing to be your lover and to bring you gifts, he is not about to have you meet his friends and risk having his family find out about you.

3. No matter how nice a guy he is, you are a temporary diversion for him. This is not an easy statement to comprehend. It’s emotionally painful. Unfortunately it is true. The beginning of an affair is romantic and naughty at the same time. Planning to be together becomes a fascinating game and is thrilling to say the least. Stealing hours from work or home to have sex is exciting, and you may mistake his libido-driven passion for undying love. Don’t. The game soon becomes a chore for him, and romantic interludes are just one more thing he “has to do.”

4. He will not leave his wife. Less than 5 percent of men leave their wives for the woman with whom they are having an affair. Whether it is because of all the legal and financial problems attached to divorce, religious beliefs or the fact that they have become comfortable with their marriage the way it is — or even because they still have a certain affection for their wives, men rarely end up with the other woman. Even Katharine Hepburn knew, and accepted,  this fact during her long affair with Spencer Tracy. And don’t ever kid yourself on this important point: He is still having sex with his wife, no matter what you may want to believe.

5. Legally, financially and emotionally, you have no claim. You may realize that you have no claim legally or financially, but you would think there’d be an emotional attachment or bond between you and your lover. In fact there usually isn’t after the affair is over. Here’s why. Even though he has a deep feeling of love for you, he is able to process it in an unemotional way. He’s not a bad guy, he may be a wonderfully kind person, but he is also a practical one. He knows that holding on to emotions that can only cause problems for his family is something he cannot and will not do. When it’s over, he will move on.

To safeguard yourself from too much emotional pain, you need to understand that he can only be a small part of your life and will never be more than that no matter how many promises are made. You need to have a life that works and that is full enough to withstand the pain of the eventual breakup. He has one and you need one, too.

A solid circle of friends and a social life separate from your hidden life with him is a necessity. Let your friends know that you still want to go out with them regularly. Don’t always be so ready to cancel plans you have made with others to accommodate him. Casual dating with male friends helps, too. It allows you to see yourself through the eyes of another man who finds you interesting and attractive. It is up to you where it might lead. It helps to remember that the man with whom you are intimately involved in “your other life” is not living as a monk with his wife.

Being involved in an affair with someone else’s husband is an almost surefire trip from ecstatic highs at the beginning to a depressing abyss at the end. Understand the basics of exactly what you are getting into, and what your status is.

You need to step back and identify the priorities — your priorities — in a relationship with a married man. Think with your head and not with your heart. Ensuring you have a life distinct from his that is your safe haven can make being the other woman, if not a secure, permanent position, at least one that is a bit more tolerable.

*name changed

© 2012 copyright Kristen Houghton

Perhaps the best advice you can give someone about having a relationship with a married man is telling her not to even start. However, that may not be practical for all women. As my friend Jenna* told me, “You can’t help who you fall in love with. The love of your life just might be a married man.”

Being part of any couple can be challenging and unpredictable, as we all know. But when the man with whom you’re involved is part of another couple, someone else’s husband, then the challenge and unpredictability can make your life a messy, unhappy waiting game that you will rarely win.

The woman who is in love with a married man lives a life that, for the most part, is shrouded in secrecy. Her close circle of friends might know about her affair, but she really cannot let anyone else, such as colleagues or her family, know. She is alone most of the time and spends it waiting: waiting for her married lover to call, to come meet her, to share some precious time together. She is not his wife, she is not mother to his children, she is not his parents’ daughter-in-law. Her chance for happiness hinges on a future that is highly uncertain, to say the least.

Your own survival is crucial, and if you do happen to fall in love with a married man, there are several hard truths you need to know.

1. The needs of the many (namely, his family) will always outweigh your needs. His family will always come first, and that includes his wife. Simply because he talks in a negative way about his marriage doesn’t mean that his obligations to his wife are any less important to him. Whether or not they have children is a moot point; he will always feel as if he has to be a husband to her and take care of the marriage, whether he truly loves her or not. Their life together includes friendships and a social network that is shared and comfortable for him. He won’t risk losing that.

2. His life with you is secret and always will be. No matter how much you may want to walk in the sunshine with him and have him openly acknowledge his love for you, it won’t happen. While he is more than willing to be your lover and to bring you gifts, he is not about to have you meet his friends and risk having his family find out about you.

3. No matter how nice a guy he is, you are a temporary diversion for him. This is not an easy statement to comprehend. It’s emotionally painful. Unfortunately it is true. The beginning of an affair is romantic and naughty at the same time. Planning to be together becomes a fascinating game and is thrilling to say the least. Stealing hours from work or home to have sex is exciting, and you may mistake his libido-driven passion for undying love. Don’t. The game soon becomes a chore for him, and romantic interludes are just one more thing he “has to do.”

4. He will not leave his wife. Less than 5 percent of men leave their wives for the woman with whom they are having an affair. Whether it is because of all the legal and financial problems attached to divorce, religious beliefs or the fact that they have become comfortable with their marriage the way it is — or even because they still have a certain affection for their wives, men rarely end up with the other woman. Even Katharine Hepburn knew, and accepted,  this fact during her long affair with Spencer Tracy. And don’t ever kid yourself on this important point: He is still having sex with his wife, no matter what you may want to believe.

5. Legally, financially and emotionally, you have no claim. You may realize that you have no claim legally or financially, but you would think there’d be an emotional attachment or bond between you and your lover. In fact there usually isn’t after the affair is over. Here’s why. Even though he has a deep feeling of love for you, he is able to process it in an unemotional way. He’s not a bad guy, he may be a wonderfully kind person, but he is also a practical one. He knows that holding on to emotions that can only cause problems for his family is something he cannot and will not do. When it’s over, he will move on.

To safeguard yourself from too much emotional pain, you need to understand that he can only be a small part of your life and will never be more than that no matter how many promises are made. You need to have a life that works and that is full enough to withstand the pain of the eventual breakup. He has one and you need one, too.

A solid circle of friends and a social life separate from your hidden life with him is a necessity. Let your friends know that you still want to go out with them regularly. Don’t always be so ready to cancel plans you have made with others to accommodate him. Casual dating with male friends helps, too. It allows you to see yourself through the eyes of another man who finds you interesting and attractive. It is up to you where it might lead. It helps to remember that the man with whom you are intimately involved in “your other life” is not living as a monk with his wife.

Being involved in an affair with someone else’s husband is an almost surefire trip from ecstatic highs at the beginning to a depressing abyss at the end. Understand the basics of exactly what you are getting into, and what your status is.

You need to step back and identify the priorities — your priorities — in a relationship with a married man. Think with your head and not with your heart. Ensuring you have a life distinct from his that is your safe haven can make being the other woman, if not a secure, permanent position, at least one that is a bit more tolerable.

*name changed

© 2012 copyright Kristen Houghton

“I have absolutely no quote for this one. . .”