Dear John. . .

Jun16

Many women have written letters to their husbands OW/AP through their blogs.  I never officially wrote a letter, but in a few of my posts I have certainly told her how I felt.  Well, she attempted to call him yesterday through someone else and he told me.  He didn’t tell me that she called, but he told me that he got a weird phone call that he missed and when he called it back they said they had the wrong number.  A couple of weeks ago, he missed a call very late at night, when he called it back, it was a fax machine which I know happens when  you use that website to disguise your number.  However, he was the one who told me about this.  At least he is being honest.  So instead of focusing energy on her, (although I wouldn’t mind focusing my fist in her face) I have decided to write a letter to John.  .  .  I am planning on giving it to him as well.  It is not very long and detailed, just how I feel right now. . .

John,

It has been almost 4 months since you came to me and told me you wanted to give our relationship 100%.  You promised me that there will be no more girls, and no more lies.  I will never forget the look of fear on your face.  I still don’t know if the fear was due to you being afraid to lose me, or if it was the fear of you actually being faithful.  Maybe it was both.  I know that you have a serious problem when it comes to fidelity; although I’m not sure I will ever really understand why.

The past few months have been incredible.  I look at you and I see a completely different man.  You have changed the circle of friends that you interact with on a daily basis, and you never go out to the bars anymore.  You have completely given up drinking and have been so focused on your businesses.  I feel like you have shown me more respect and love in the past 3 ½ months then you have in over 6 years.  I truly have faith that this is our time, that you are done with cheating and are really ready to settle down.

For me, the past couple of months have been great but, I still can’t trust you.  You do know this right?  We just had this talk the other day while we were having lunch.  You looked at me and said; “baby, I really am not doing anything”.  You seemed to be surprised that I didn’t trust you.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that it has only been 3 ½ months!  At times I feel as though you expect way too much from me.  You have broken my heart into a million pieces, and you fail to understand that you are the only one who can help me put it back together.  I WANT to trust you, I really do.  I hate living with that constant nervous feeling in my stomach.  I hate the feeling of always wondering if this is going to be the day that you cheat on me.  I DON’T want to live like this.  I know it will get easier in time and that eventually I may learn how to trust you again.  But for now, you have to continue to be patient with me. . .

Although I truly believe you are giving 100%, I believe that you made me promises that were unrealistic.  You promised me no more women calling your phone, and I know that “she” has attempted to get in touch with you.  You have told me that a weird numbers have called you.  I know you cannot prevent someone from calling your phone, but it still makes me uneasy.  We have had that happen a few times in the past few weeks and you have told me.  I do respect your honesty, but then there is the part of me that resents you because you are the one who put us in this situation.

I love you John, I really, really love you.  After all this time and after all we have been through, you are still the one.  I know that it was never your intention to hurt me.  I know you love me, more than you have ever loved another woman.  All I ask is that you NEVER hurt me again.  All I want is for you to love me and respect me.  .  . and I promise I will continue to do the same.

Love always,

Ariella

 

Broken Hearted Girl Beyonce, the song that describes my exact feelings for and towards John. . . I have played this for him recently.

 

“After all this time, you are still the one.  You will always be the one. . .”

The Affair Child. . .

Jun12

I have recently come across a blog (www.livinginsidethetornado.blogspot.com) by a woman whose husband not only had an affair, but he had a child by the OW/AP. I cannot even begin to imagine how she is dealing with that.

Most of you know that I have tolerated a lot when it comes to John cheating, but having a child with his mistress? I could NEVER deal with that. I have said to him on many occasions; “get some bitch pregnant and we are gone”. (We meaning me and the kids)

I know me, and the truth is, I would never get over something like that. I would never be able to look at him, and I would resent the child. Not fair, I know, but its the truth. Not too sure many people would admit that, but I will. I could not deal with it and I am thankful every day that I have not had to deal with that.

I love hard, but I am also very spiteful. John would lose his family. I would pack us up and leave the state immediately and if he wanted to see his son he would have to retain an attorney. I would not make things easy for him. I know some of you are thinking “that’s not fair to your son” and your probably right but. . . I know me.

I could NEVER do it. To the women who deal with a child from an affair, you are much stronger than I could ever be. I have told John before, “if you ever feel as though you want me out of your life forever? Get a bitch pregnant and I promise you, besides in family court, you would NEVER have to see me again.”. He is lucky to have been so lucky.

So I guess my question is, if you found out your husband/boyfriend got his AP/OW pregnant and she was having the baby would you stay?

“Even Tolerance Has It’s Limits. . .”

The Versatile Blogger Award. . .

Jun9

I would like to thank beautifulmess7 for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award!  I never thought that blogging about my relationship with John, and reading blogs who are written by other people who are in similar situations as myself, would have been such a tremendous help to me.  For such a long time, I felt as though I would never find anyone else who has been put through what I have, and has also made the choice to continue on and progress with their partner.  You all have given me such wonderful insight as well as hope that things will get better.

The rules of receiving this award are:

1. Add the award to your blog

2. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and include a link to their blog.

3. Mention 7 random things about yourself.

4. List the rules.

5. Give the award to 15 or more bloggers.

7 Random Things About Me :)

1.  I obsess over Christmas.  In my neighborhood, I am always the first one to have my house decorated and my tree is up usually by November 7th! :)

2.  If I could change one thing in the world?  Pediatric Cancer would NOT exist.

3. I cannot drink my coffee without International Delights French Vanilla Creamer!  If I go on vacation, it comes with me!

4.  My favorite TV show of all time is the original Beverly Hills 90210.   

5.  I LOVE to read!

6.  I have over 100 pairs of flip flops!

7.  I would absolutely die without my Blackberry!

I know the rules state that I have to nominate 15 fellow bloggers, but I have nominated 6.  I don’t follow every blog I read, so I have altered the rules for my situation.  (Sorry) And remember, I’m a newbie to wordpress!  I spend a lot of time reading all different blogs on wordpress, however, these are the blogs that have truly helped me in my healing the most, especially Wendy (ourjourneyafterhisaffair). 

The blogs that I can’t live without. . .

1.  screw infidelity

2.  divorcedandangry

3.  Our Journey After His Affair

4.  If Happy Ever After Did Exist…

5.  notchangingmyname

6.  Being a Beautiful Mess

Paranoia & Distrust. . .

Jun8

I don’t know where to begin. The past few weeks I have been a complete irrational lunatic! I am paranoid constantly, and I feel as though I cannot trust anything John says to me. Nothing has happened and I have not had the “gut feeling” that he is doing something wrong. Actually, I am certain that he is NOT doing anything he isn’t supposed to be doing. I have no idea where all of this sudden paranoia is coming from! I seem not to believe anything John is telling me, but I have no reason to not believe him. Ok, let me rephrase that, I have EVERY reason not to trust John, however, he has not given me one reason in 3 months and 12 days for me to start questioning him about anything.

I started to think about what is really making me so hysterical and I believe that there have been certain triggers recently that have led to my sudden paranoia. John plays softball during the spring/summer/fall months. Well, he played tonight with a team that usually hits the local bar after the game. The” last night” he had with her prior to me finding out John played with the same team. I never expected him home early on Thursday nights. He would usually come walking in around 1am. That night, he came in at 3am. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember looking at him and asking him where the fuck has he been. Of course, I was “crazy”. I “knew” he was at the bar. . .so he said, but I knew better. Well tonight is Thursday and he mentioned stopping at the bar after the game. John has already played quite a few Thursday nights this season, but he has yet to hang out with the team after. He always comes straight home. When he mentioned his plans to go to the bar after the game tonight, I immediately got an attitude. I asked him, “what do you have a hot date?”. He looked at me like I was nuts, but replied with a no looking at me with this puzzled look on his face. I just walked away and said nothing else. The saddest part is, I don’t even believe John realized why I was upset. I don’t even think he recalls that he had sex with this bitch after Thursday night softball during supposed “team bar hangout time”. He had absolutely no clue. I decided against reminding him, and I just let it go. He never did end up going to the bar tonight, he came straight home after the game.

Maybe its because he cheated on me in the summer and the summer is practically here? Or maybe I just have to come to terms with the fact that I will probably NEVER fully trust him again which makes me sad. I WANT to trust him, I really, really do, I just don’t know how to. I want him to be able to go to the bar after the game without having to constantly worry about what it is that he is doing. I want to be able to sleep, even if he is not home. God, I haven’t been able to do that in years. I could be exhausted but if he goes out, I suddenly find myself completely awake and no matter how hard I try, I am unable to fall asleep until he gets home. Its been like this for almost 5 years. Thankfully since our 100% talk, John has been out only a few times to watch boxing at his friends house. He has yet to pop his head into the bars, thank god.

Am I ever going to be able to trust him again? Everyone keeps telling me I just have to trust him until he gives me a reason to distrust him. How do you really do that? I can say I am going to trust him till I’m blue in the face, but deep down inside I know I can’t. I really don’t believe you can just make a decision to trust someone again. You can say you will and by not questioning their every move I guess you are attempting to trust, but are you really? No. Its like you are lying to them about trusting them! How do you trust and is it truly possible to fully trust someone after an affair?

“Trust is like a mirror. Once it is broken, you can never look at it the same again. . . “

Im Having A Panic Attack Right Now. . .(Womens Issues)

Jun6

Ok this is a little off topic, but I’m really beginning to lose my mind. I have had the Copper IUD for 2 years. Its not the same as the Mirena, it doesn’t have hormones. The Copper IUD lasts for 10 years.

The first few weeks after getting my IUD I was miserable. I truly hated it. I felt like I had my period 24/7. After a few months my period was regular, but lasted a few days longer. The past 6 months I have had my period from the 1st to the 21st of every month. Now of course it wasn’t heavy all the time, it was regular for about 10 days and then spotting for the remainder. Sometimes heavy spotting sometimes light, I would never know. I was seriously considering having it removed, but I didn’t due to my great fear of getting pregnant. I am not having any more children. This is why I have the 10 year IUD.

This month, I have yet to get my period. It has been a week and I just today starting really worrying. I don’t even want to go through having to take a pregnancy test.(The easiest way to ease my mind if its negative) I can’t deal with this right now. However I feel as though my period has been inconsistent with the change of seasons. Has this ever happened to anyone before? I am losing my mind. . .

We Talked. . .

May25

A few months back when I was checking her Twitter, she had posted a video of the song Climax by Usher and made a comment on how the song was perfect. Of course I knew she was talking about John, even though the song in no way relates to her and John. The song is about 2 people in a relationship that are in love but its time to part ways. She NEVER had a relationship with my fiancé. She just sucked his dick and fucked him. Anyway, I saw this twitter post a few weeks prior to our “100%”. You can imagine that every time I heard this song after seeing that post, I rush to change the station because just hearing it makes my blood boil.

A few weeks ago John called me from the car and the he was singing the Climax song which happened to be on the radio in his car. John sings practically every song he hears on the radio, although John can’t sing to save his life. Now not only did I have to hear this song, I had to hear him sing it which automatically put me in a rancid mood. I just calmly said, do you really think you should be singing that song to me? He asked me why? Don’t you like this song? I just said no and changed the subject. I let it go after calling my best friend in hysterics because he sang the song. A song that he has absolutely no clue upsets me.

Yesterday, we went to look at a few houses, and as we were driving the song came on again. Now alone, I am able to handle it. However, just hearing it in his presence drives me wild. I immediately changed the station and he said nothing because a song that was played on the other station I assumed he liked more. Later that day we were driving and the song came on and I immediately changed the station again. This time I gave him the evil eye while smashing station #2 with my pointer finger. By now he was suspicious and asked me what my problem is with that song and do I think about an ex when I hear it? Was he fucking kidding? Truthfully, I don’t even think about my ex’s. In my eyes they are not in my life anymore for a reason. I’m telling you, if I wasn’t driving I could have punched him in the face. He just looked at me with this dumb confused look on his face so I told him. . . And just went on and on and on about it. . . I told him how a fellow blogger posted how she would like to hit her husbands mistress with the “karma bus” and how I say fuck karma I just want to hit her with a bus, among other things that I will refrain from saying on the web!

He just looked at me like he was nervous and took my hand and said” babe, you don’t need to get upset over things like that. Its not important.”. I’m so happy he cleared that up for me! Does he truly believe that I like getting upset over things like this? I looked at him and said, “you brought this dumb ugly bitch into my life, you do remember that don’t you?”. He just stared at me with this sad look on his face and said I know and I’m sorry.

I read all these blogs on here written by women who are in similar situations as me. All of these women discuss the affair with their husbands on a regular basis. Some go to marriage counseling and have detailed questions pertaining to the affair that they ask their partners. John and I do not do this. We do not speak of the affair and if I think of something I rarely ask John. For us this seems to work. It works for me because I have come to the conclusion that nothing John says will make me feel better. Nothing he can say will change what he did. He does not have magic powers and is unable to erase the thoughts in my head. This works for John because he does not have to be reminded by me on a daily basis as to what he did. He does not have to hear the hurt in my voice and feel bad. However, I do know he sees the hurt in my eyes at times and it kills him. But truthfully, I make it easy for him. Yesterday was a reminder to John as to what he did. He was able to see that after all these months it still bothers me. And although we will continue progressing the way we have been, sometimes people need to be reminded about what they did wrong. I don’t ever want John to think that I am just so strong that I am over it because that is simply not the case. I think he realized yesterday that although we have come so far, I still have a lot of resentment and anger towards him, and although we are working through it, I am in no way “over it”. I’m not sure I will ever be over it.

“When you are in love and you get hurt, its like a cut. . .it will heal, but there will always be a scar. . .”